


Stupid Jokes

by SpyStories



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman Beyond, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 11:00:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10243412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpyStories/pseuds/SpyStories
Summary: ...Work Currently in Progress...feedback appreciated...Terry goes back in time and meets two worlds in crisis, and now only Batman can set things right.





	1. Chapter 1

Joker 

Redhood--the Jason Todd version and a super hero version of me--I kid you not--broke into my lair and met me while I was planning my morning capers. Well, things just got weirder after that, because Harley, Pam, Dent, and Eddie showed up as well. I thought the heroes were outnumbered, but the joke was on me, because apparently they all woke up one day and decided to become super heroes. My crew with the same name and different purpose showed up, and I thought we were going to have an interesting fight, but you won't believe what happened. I got tricked into stepping into one of my own traps, and everyone else just ran off with each other. I was left with a guy I had never seen before who claimed he was from the future, goes by the name of Terry McGinnis, and one of the older robins pretending to be Batman. Yeah, so far, it's been a strange day.

"Hey!" I had to put down my diary--yes, I have a diary, any good super villain, or any good professional should carry one, really!--to see what was going on.

Before I could pull another move, someone stuck what felt like a band-aid on my neck. Realizing what it was, I dropped to the ground to let the change take effect without making me black out. They hit me with one of Mad Hatter's puppet-making devices. Oh, goody. I'll admit I wasn't really on top of my game after just seeing super hero doubles of my villain friends. It was a lucky, cheap, and dirty shot. 

"What did you do to him?" Asked Terry McGinnis in a matter-of-fact tone. 

"These devices here, they look like band-aids, but they are mind control machines. I bet the Joker was planning to use them on other people, but now it looks like he's going to get a taste of his own medicine." 

Terry McGinnis started laughing maniacly, like an evil henchman idiot. I realized a little of what he was planning already.I rolled my eyes to myself. I hope I come out of this with at least some of my dignity intact. "So, we meet again, eh Joker?" Terry greeted me and flashed an evil grin. "I think I'm going to enjoy this a lot more than you." 

(Evil laughter) Unbeknownst to Terry McGinnis AKA Bat Brat, Dick Grayson, as Batman, put the stupid mind control device in backwards. I would have killed him right then and there if his recklessness--not to mention this whole crazy situation--wasn't so funny to me. Instead, I just decided to play along. Since he thought I was being controlled by one of the Mad Hatter's devices, he was more than happy to actually trust me for a change. I found that ironic, sweet, and unbearably funny. It was literally the joke that was saving his life at the moment. It's strange how people are willing to change their perspectives about others due to the slightest changes. This ruse was too much fun! I would just do my best to play the part until I could learn a little more about this incredibly naive member of the future bat family. 

"Now take off your pants and do a little dance!" 

What is it with this kid and wanting to see clowns unclothed? Some kind of fetish maybe? I complied with a slight sigh of irritation while I tried to hold back a giggle. I justified the embarrassment by reminding myself that this might be the last show the kid will ever see. 

"Now, bend down and touch your toes!" 

He was in close range without a weapon, if I wanted to I could really do some damage to this cocky ignorant punk. Batman replacements are SO difficult to find. 

"Now, jump up and down!"

I complied while imagining the horrendous chaos I could turn this situation into in the flick of a finger. Just to give you an idea, I once took out four men using...a GLASS OF WATER! Is that food for thought? They don't even allow me to have PAPER at Arkham, and I have to eat my food with my hands. I'm resourceful, and this would be no contest. 

"Count to 257." 

Why 257? Is that some kind of code? Batman should be smarter than to leave his kids in my custody; I mean, would you leave someone you love in the hands of a known mass murdering psychotic serial killer who is smart enough to take over Gotham from his hideout in an INSANE ASYLUM and just trust that everything would be okay? I love Batman; because he's done just that on MULTIPLE occasions. Batty man...why is it so hard to kill you...and your kids? 

Terry was just sitting there trying to figure out more things for me to do. My pants were still around my ankles. This was past ridiculous. I turned my attention to something else, while I waited for my "master" to either figure out some new game to play or to figure out his mistake and make cute little vain pleas for mercy as I chopped him into little--I scanned the room and found a crowbar and started thinking about Jason Todd. Talia is going to pay with her life for bringing back that brat if I ever find her. Jason sees himself as a vengeful ghost. Too bad no one's pointed out the irony that he's still alive and can therefore be killed yet again. I don't know whether to back off or just try harder next time to finish what I started. If I kill Jason again and hide his body really carefully, nobody will get a chance to bring him back. For that matter, why did Jason get to come back? This feels slightly like an annoying soap opera where the writers find a way to bring back the annoying character no one likes. No one would be that nice to me, except maybe Batman. Yeah, Batman might be nice enough to save my life but to bring me back from the dead? No way. I need to start working on some sort of cloning device; I'm the only one nice enough to want to bring me back, after all. 

Terry stopped giving me commands and was fiddling with something on his belt. Silly kid. I was going to wait quietly and not give him any clues this thing wasn't working the way it was intended to. The victim can't do anything on his or her own without receiving a command when under the control of this device. For me, that means I have to stay here with my pants around my ankles if I want this to seem convincing. I have to do things that I'm sure the kid thinks he knows Joker would never do under normal circumstances. 

"Stick out your tongue!" 

This is fun, because unbeknowst to bat brat, I still have all of the control. I could even stick this device on him, the proper way, later and use him to commit heinous unspeakable crimes. Ah, I think that's what I'll eventually do! I do hope this kid stops testing me, though. It's silly, and unfortunate, to think that all he wants me to do is act like a dumb clown. There's so much more you could use me for. 

I also don't give Dick and the others any credit in the criminal minds category; they actually TRUSTED Batman's entire rogues gallery (with the exception of yours truly) that they wanted to help their superhero twins and weren't going to turn on them like the murderous psychopaths they are! It's laughable, so funny, so pathetic that the heroes would be so trusting. I should know that group better than anyone, and, well, that's just not how things work with villains; sometimes we're nice if you have what we want, but if you don't, you might just as easily find yourself, uh, shall we say collateral damage? Or, if you're lucky enough to run into someone like little old me, you might find yourself collateral damage even if you do have exactly what I want, because some of us just don't like competition. 

"Do the Grape Vine" 

Seriously? Who did this kid think I was? I was getting tired of being humiliated like this and I thought for a moment about revealing the secret and watching the kid cower in fear while I finished him all Hanibal Lecter style...

My eyes fell on the phase oscillator; the window between dimensions that was somehow left at my hideout. This was the height of ignorance, and I kind of wondered how our good guy counterparts even survived if they were that...shortsighted. Had I been in another mood, I could have just killed the kid, stolen the machine, and disappeared. 

"Do what I do!" 

Strangely, though, I wasn't in that mood. I was more curious about what was going to happen next. Was Superman going to come crashing through the ceiling and claim to be my long lost partner in crime? Was I going to learn that I was once an all powerful demigod who killed Batman and caped crusaders on a daily basis and laughed at pain and suffering like it was all fun and games and created these worlds to amuse myself? Were Batman and I related at some point in time? Anything seemed plausible at this point, so I decided to let the bat brat live. I tried hard to stop imagining ways to kill him, but he was walking right into every trap I could possibly mentally set. 

"Just sit there. I'm trying to think of other fun stuff for you to do." Terry shot me a sneering smile, idiot. 

Plus, how was I going to keep up this ruse? Wouldn't he eventually figure out I was just playing a game, a very dangerous game on his part, but that's how I like it. If I could keep up the act and control my impulses, he would continue to trust me, making the situations I could eventually lure him into endless. If I gave away the gag too soon, though, he would just...they're so cautious when they SEE trouble. I guess that's one reason why I carefully disguise all of my tricks and traps. You leave a birthday party and start feeling sick and vomiting blood. Later, you learn that the icing was spiked with rat poison, or you feel unusually sleepy; you lay down for a nap only to wake up covered in blood with your skin lying beside you! Now, you would have never let me feed you poison or give you sleepy medicine and skin you alive while you dream, but you walked into it voluntarily, because you weren't expecting it! That always gets everyone--all of the gags work so long as they are not overused. The key is to NOT fall into a rut; never develop a predictable routine. By this time, I think I talked myself into keeping up the act, or at least giving it my best effort. I really wished he would stop trying to get me to do crazy things, though. This was going nowhere and getting seriously annoying...I wanted to talk and start planting my suggestions. 

"Bark like a dog!" 

"Woof! woof!" 

When used properly, though, these things were a hoot. I remember using them on three comedians and turning them into parodies of up-and-coming super villains. Let's see, we had a Condiment King--who tried to attack Batman with a mustard cannon, a Pack Rat--who stole only junk, and a Mighty Mom--who fought with household cleaning products! Hmm, what could this kid's self-depreciating super villain nickname be? Any suggestions? I vote for No Talent Man. 

"Well, Batman said I should stay here and guard the Joker, but if he's under my control, he's no threat, maybe I could be an asset to everyone involved in this fight...with your help." Terry started laughing evilly.

Oh, you're thinking out loud? You're finally starting to trust this situation; it's about time, junior. Let's give the kid a medal. Honestly, if I have to take one more stupid suggestion at this point, I'm... 

"Take the knife, press it to your throat until you bleed." 

Almost done with this blasted game! 

I did as was told compliantly. After all, who would cut their own throat if they weren't under some sort of mind control? Me, that's who! 

Terry looked at the blood running down my collar. I think he was more than sufficiently convinced that I was not bluffing. I think he was sure I could end myself right now, a mute robot dead to the world. The evil grin he had been flashing at me softened. 

"Put down the knife" 

I'll admit, the evil grin sort of excited me but the laugh was just plain creepy. What was the point of this? It felt kind of like hazing or gang initiation rites. Oh, you were once a gang member? Thank you for that piece of information. This game might be a little more fun than I expected. I know what will motivate Gotham's gang members and ex-gang members. 

"Go to sleep" 

I'm an animal waiting to strike... 

"Listen up, Joker. You think you are a super hero. You would never kill anyone, and you would only use all of your powers and intelligence for good." He was shouting at me like I was deaf, but he softened enough to not sound threatening. In fact, he just sounded like a kid. 

Your compassion is impressive, but hubris will be the death of you boy; nevertheless, I played along. I pretended to drowsily repeat his words. 

"...super hero, never kill anyone, use powers for good..." 

"Good, now on the count of three you're going to wake up the new super hero version of yourself." 

...so..cliche...but a lot more relaxed than during our first meeting...

Not really, but eventually you're going to wake up to the cold hard metal of reality pressing against your bare neck, boy. I held back every sly motive I could give that this as an act, no winking, no giggles, no super wide evil grins. I tried to hold a look of confusion--or perhaps sincerity--in my eyes as I opened them and looked at Terry. 

Wow, playing a super hero as myself was going to be a bit challenging. I wonder if he wants me to wear shiny underwear and tights, too? This should be a riot. I felt like causing one, to be honest. 

"Have no fear, Joker is here! I'm here to serve the people and protect the innocent." 

I cringed at how stupid that sounded. I did my best super hero voice and marveled at how far I would sometimes try to carry a joke. I even dressed up as a famous writer to help the bat kids solve a case once; it's a long story, and it involved a lot of detective work--which the kids were pretty much incapable of doing--and a nuclear bomb, and of course a few grisly murders. I did it to find Bruce Wayne--Batman--that's all, and now it looks like I'm teaming up with--the kid who desperately needs a good spanking, and to be arrested by the fashion police--- to find Batman. 

The kid finally trusted me enough to let me out of that stupid cage. Sure, I guess I could have gotten out on my own, but it was taking most of my mental power to perform his silly tasks while planning his demise.

The Joker studied Terry's suit. 

Personally, I don't understand the bat suit to begin with, but if the concept is to look like a giant flying rodent, this kid is missing it in strides. The ears are too long, there's no cape, and why does he have a red symbol on his chest? That reminds me more of a bug than a bat, and I imagine the red kills the element of surprise. Maybe he and Spiderman are using the same tailor? No, now, that's preposterous, although I would like to see old Spiderman drugged and fighting Terry thinking he was tangling with Carnage. I wonder who would win. I imagine McGinnis would be so afraid of giant bugs that he...oh, that is funny... There are 1000s of ways to kill a superhero, and I know every one of them! Now, back to the suit; it looks like there are lots of high-tech gadgets. I wonder what they do? 


	2. Terry McGinnis

It was hard for me to believe that I had old Gotham's worst super villain at my complete and total mercy. The mind control device must be extremely powerful. I had him do humiliating exercises for hours, and he couldn't even put down the knife. I could have made him kill himself and end it all right there. He now even has the scar on his neck to prove it. I wonder what other secrets I can get from this clown using this device. Joker, buddy, I think you've met your match. 

"You will tell me the whole truth no matter what; who were you before you were Joker?"

"I don't really know. I know that sounds odd, but it just is the way it is." 

"You don't remember anything about your past, if you had a wife, a family?" 

"I remember some things, just not my name; that's convenient, isn't it?" 

"very, unfortunately." 

"Do you kill people for fun? Answer truthfully." 

"Would you hate me if I told you yes?" 

I let out a sigh of relief. The mind control device was definitely working; for some reason, I still had my doubts, but he would have lied about that. I learned recently that it's a well-known fact around Gotham that the Joker does (and did) enjoy killing, as awful as that sounds. I wonder how you can get any satisfaction from such a dark hobby. To be honest, I didn't know this person that well when I decided to do this experiment. I learned a lot in the past few days I've been in old Gotham. I imagine the normal Joker would have probably tried to kill me and stuff me in a freezer or something already. That's scary, but maybe I'm not the only one who thinks so. Maybe I can use the nightmare clown to scare up some leads from Batman's enemies. Deserved or not, he has quite a reputation. 

"Look, I need you to help me find this fake Batman. He's been attacking everything and making all kinds of trouble." 

Even under mind control, Joker could talk about things, express a little bit of his personality, and be himself, in a limited sense. I took full advantage of that, asking him all sorts of questions and really trying to get into his head. 

"Tell me about it; he's been making trouble for me for a long time." The Joker let out a heavy sigh. 

"How?" 

"It's a really long story." 

"Oh, trust me, I have time. Tell me everything." 

"It all started in another dimension, much like this one. I was a big fancy criminal clown, but I had a secret, McGinnis. You see, I wasn't working for myself, none of the rogues were. We were all working for a big fat ugly man dressed in an owl suit. This guy was terrible to us."

"What did he do?" 

"Do you think that mental patients are automatically criminals, kid?" 

I thought about it for a minute, read his expression, and then answered.

"Of course, not." 

"Well, that's one area where you and the bat differ. Anyway, of course mental patients aren't all criminals, not even the most insane of us, but if you are goaded enough, of course you are going to fight back. The owl knew how to goad us, too. We were his hired henchmen. He made us run around in costumes so he could be the mighty hero, saving the day from us lowly peasant thieves, and of course, no one cared about what we needed until we stopped playing by the rules...." 

I was fascinated by the Joker's story. This was something new, something I had never heard of before. Batman never told me about Owlman. I wondered if he knew. For once, the guy I was talking to, for all of his flaws, and trust me, he has a lot of flaws, seemed human, not an old wanted poster, a computer virus, or a weird clone bent on destroying our existence, a human being with a past no one was going to believe and probably didn't want to listen to. 

"...that's why we're all so leery of the caped crusaders. In fact, if Batman never showed up, the super villains probably wouldn't have even come out of hiding. I couldn't tell old Bruce this, because he just wouldn't listen, but the world, at least from our perspective, is better off without masked super heroes running around. Your cape and cowl is almost like a swastika to us, kid. We don't see ourselves, at least not most of us, fighting for wrong; we at least think that we are fighting for what is right--preventing another self righteous hero from becoming a monster." 

I wiped a small tear away from my eye when the Joker finished his little speech. Briefly, I was struck by a crazy thought. Now that I "got the joke," even though I didn't think it was funny, why not take this patch off and meet with the real Joker? Maybe he's not really this scary monster we know him as. Part of me really wanted to find out, even though our last meeting in my Gotham, wasn't all that pleasant. I think I've met with worse, and what can I say? I like to take risks. Plus, it was dangerous to have him like this. What if I accidentally told him to do something I didn't mean that caused him to hurt himself? My hand moved for the neck, and then I caught myself. No, he would probably not like me if he knew he just told me some of his deepest secrets against his will. I think I'll leave it on for now and remove it right before I leave. I think I need him to cooperate with me so that we can save Batman, the real Batman, Bruce Wayne. 

"I wanted to kill Owlman, but you told me not to." The Joker sighed. 

Meanwhile, I was coping with, let's say, the new guy. I wished there was a way to keep him like this permanently, no threat to anyone, just a good down-to-earth, hmm, maniac. Yes, I'll be honest, the Joker's a maniac, even under mind control his craziness shows through perfectly, but it wasn't bothering me. I actually found myself able to relate, at times. Maybe that sounds strange, but what can I say? I like strange. 

"Superheroes don't kill; that's for the bad guys." 

"Maybe that's why more often than not, they win...I mean, how much of the actual fight do you think is this comedy of costumes?" 

The Joker had a strange way of looking at things, but he was actually making sense. Wayne Enterprises had been under attack by people in suits more often than freaks in costumes. I felt like I knew where he was coming from, as strange as that might sound. 

"very little..." 

"See, you understand. Your boss didn't, and I doubt most of the other caped crusaders will, either. We're not some unknown them; we are an us, we are a you. I hope you understand me. All it takes, Terry is one bad day, one, one experience that will drive you to the edge of that black abyss of no return, one. Do you understand?" The Joker put his hand on Terry's shoulder. 

"yes. I think I do understand." Terry removed the Joker's hand. 

"good." The Joker let out a half amused chuckle. 

"I understand that you are going to help us find Owlman; you said you knew him!" 

"I do, and I would do anything for you, Terry." 

"I know." 

There were times I felt like I could treat the Joker almost like my younger brother. I felt like I needed to look out for him like that, too, because of the mind control device and the insanity and everything, of course. It was weird how easy it was to get attached to the killer clown, though. I would probably feel very different if Joker were going through Gotham on a rampage, but like this? Meh, he doesn't seem like such a bad guy. Maybe good at bluffing, mostly. 

_________

The Joker walked off to the side and thought about the little conversation he had with Terry. This was turning out to be such a great joke, and he was showing such restraint, pretending to make a friend and build a bond just so he would have the kid all to himself to torture, what a wonderful prank.


	3. Jokester's Journal

A funny thing happened to me on the way back to Earth 23, I was zapped into this weird world where heroes are villains and villains are heroes, and, get this, the villains, well most of them, actually agreed to HELP us, I kid you not! We couldn't find the heroes at first, and I was stunned. I've never had such an easy time in my world. The heroes eventually showed up, but they all, heroes and villains, said that they all missed Batman and would like to spend some quality time with their twins. This is just something that...does...not...happen. Can you imagine the Crime Syndicate teaming up with the Justice League just because they have look-a-likes on the opposing team? Synestro and Green Lantern on the same team? Seriously? Where does this happen? I'm telling you, though, that's almost exactly what happened. Batman must be a very beloved hero; even his villains miss him! Even his villains miss him. Let's think about that for a moment. Wow, I wish me and Owlman had that relationship. The closest we ever get is through his obsessive hatred of me; he would never allow anyone else the honor of killing me, but he would never go out of his way to save my life. Maybe our merry band of heroes wouldn't be so afraid for our lives if our villains actually felt like they NEEDED us. I'm telling you, Batman's world is almost perfect compared to mine. I kind of wish I could just zap Owlman off to some barren version of Earth and just stay here with me old gang--and my new friends. 

Right now, I'm hiding out with two Eddies, two Pam Islies, two Harley Quinns, and two Johnathan Cranes. Man, sparks fly when heroes and villains team up, let me tell you. The Riddler, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow, and Harley Quinn--they're villains here, so they get cool nicknames, are not people you want to mess with if you know what's good for you. I thought having my friends' villain dopplegangers--or should I say dopplegangsters? on the team was the stupidest thing I could have ever done, but they've proven themselves welcome assets and have been helping me trick, poison, and generally annoy Owlman to keep him at bay. With the help of the bat kids, we've almost tracked down Batman's whereabouts. Turns out the cruel fiend is hiding him in space; we'll need the phase oscillator to bring him back, but that's going to prove difficult, because in our excitement, we left it at the Joker's hideout, and, let me tell you, this guy is no me; he's not even like the other villains. The others have assured me that he is about as close as you can get to pure evil without leaving Earth. Great, the one thing I need to make everything right, bring Batman back, and banish Owlman, is in the lair of an incurable monster who, for whatever freakish and unfairly ironic reason, looks strikingly similar to me. We're going to have to go back. I wish there was a way for me to contact Batman, the real Batman. His kids are nice, but I don't know about you, but I don't feel comfortable trusting my life with a bunch of teenagers. We haven't declined to work with them, we just got a little extra help; that's all. 

Now, our mission is to go back to Joker's lair to retrieve the phase oscillator. Well, I mean some of us are his friends, so maybe we'll leave alive. I'm telling you, even though that clown has my face, the stories I heard about him could give anyone nightmares. I wish I could take a non-lethal page out of his playbook, though. It seems like if Owlman had Joker to oppose and I had Batman, our worlds would be perfect. I wish there were a way to trick Owlman into meeting Joker, thinking he's meeting me. That would be one rare fight to the death I would like to be an audience to, but I shouldn't think like that. Surely, even Owlman and Joker have some good in them somewhere. If they do, though, they keep it very well hidden, hidden like a shameful scar. 


End file.
